So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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