You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
