So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
