if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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