come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
