It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
