i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
