Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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