how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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