I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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