Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
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Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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