You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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