I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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