I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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