after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
