someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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