meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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