the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
