he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
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New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
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These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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