My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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