Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
