Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
