I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
