in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
