I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
this hospital has no fireball
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
