Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
