During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
