I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
