I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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