Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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