I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
