4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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