what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
