So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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