The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
