I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
