So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
