Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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