Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
