so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
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It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
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Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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