I will die if light touches me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
