Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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