I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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