I look better un-naked...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
