All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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