I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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