Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
