I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
