i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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