Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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