I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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