He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i will never coherently bang her
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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