I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
