So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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