you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
